


Missing Heart

by BluBoi



Category: Fanders, Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Emotions, Heartbreak, M/M, Pain, Sad, Tears, upset
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 03:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12356079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluBoi/pseuds/BluBoi
Summary: Songfic based on the Thomas sanders song: "Things we used to share"





	Missing Heart

Logan had been watching the rain for hours. Sat in a comfy desk chair. Legs crossed, Leaning forward. So close his breath fogged the glass. Numbly tapping his fingers on the cold surface.   Drink sitting empty beside him.    


_Tap._

_Tap._

_Tap._

Like a metronome… Back and forth his fingers went. His eyes were glazed, ignoring the view out the window. Mind long gone.

He didn’t know what to do with himself. Thoughts dulled. Heart aching..?

Then Thomas was singing his song. Soft notes.  His memory instantly brought forward the lyrics, the meaning… the passion.

Then everything hurt. His skull, his chest. Throbbing, pounding. Getting faster, louder. Blood in his ears. Breathing picking up.

**_No more fireworks_**

**_No more compass_ **

**_You didn’t leave a single butterfly in my stomach_ **

Without a word he got up from his chair and dashed from the commons. The chair spinning in his wake.  Panic spreading across his usually well-composed features. He barely missed running to the fatherly trait, which only heightened everything he was feeling.

 _“Hey, where ya going-”_ Morality asked has he just dodged the teacher.

He shook his head making sure not look up into those eyes. _“J-Just to meditate!”_ His voice, thankfully, sounded more nervous than panicked.

 _“Oh, well, I’ll let you get to it zen!”_ The fatherly trait called back with a laugh, mildly concerned as he headed to the kitchen, most likely for a cookie.  

Logan’s heart plummeted and he can’t reach the gray faded door fast enough.

Hands fumbling with the metal handle. Ripping it open and bolting inside. His eyes stung as they adjusted and drifted over the dark room. Posters dangling from the wall, stretchy blue tac barely keeping them from the ground.  Dust covered the dresser surface.  Heavy blue drapes shut out most of the sunlight.

Images flashed in his head. Happy times spent near that window… Playing cards, drinking Tea,  Talking. Peaceful. His smiling face. The grin, the way his eyes crinkled.  Glasses reflecting sunlight. Flecks of blue in those hazel eyes. His lips.. Soft, like a puzzle they slotted together.

Suddenly tears were running down his cheeks as his finger numbly grazed his own cold cracked lips.

                                        **_You took my spyglass_**

**_No knowin’ what lies ahead_ **

**_Took my warmth at night_ **

**_But left a dent in my bed_ **

He wiped at his cheeks, turning his gaze.

His bed.

There on the neatly folded quilt was his Cardigan. Un-crinkled and unworn. He sinks down onto his knees. Legs to weak and shaking to stand.Holding himself up with his arms as he stared at the soft carpet under his palms. His glasses slipping from his slightly damp nose.

Patton’s room only enhanced his overwhelming sorrow.

                                                **_I don’t really care_**

**_You can keep the things we used to share_ **

**_But what did you do with my heart?_ **

**_What did you do with my heart?_ **

He shuddered, more tears leaking from his eyes.

  


The kisses that left him breathless and dizzy but craving more.

The hugs, soft, strong, supportive.

The coffees in the morning, always perfect.

The sweet chilling to go to bed after overworking himself.

  


Every thought evoked a new whimper from his dry lips.

Every happy feeling crushed by a new sad longing.

                              **_You’ve stripped me of my pride_**

**_That’s for the best_ **

**_But you’ve also deprived me of a full night’s rest_ **

The image of Roman. Struggling to move, struggling to breathe as he crouched beside Patton’s bed side. Face pale as he tried to form words in his gasps of breath.  Eventually passing out due to lack of air… Leaning into the logical trait as he collapsed. Unable to be helped.   

How, the next few days he was bedridden, limbs like lead. He was quite literally being crushed, not able to move and only just able to get any air.  He constantly slept for the week to survive through the burning chest and inability to do anything.  Logic constantly checking on him as to not panic Anxiety. Telling him he’d be fine soon.

He continued to sob for what felt like hours. Shivers wracking his thin frame as the memories flooded him.

                                          ** _So no more dreams_**

**_Where we pull through_ **

**_And I can’t collect my thoughts_ **

**_‘Cause they’re still with you_ **

Eventually, he managed to get up. Arms sore. Back tight. Throat closed and eyes stinging.

It takes him a few minutes of wiping his face and using a bit of the mind palace magic to remove any signs of crying.

When he stepped out, he bumped right into the shoulder of a somewhat, confused anxiety.

 _“Lo? You alright? Where were you?”._  He attempts to peer into the room curiously but logic had already shut the door for him to see in.

Logan tried to stay composed. _‘He can’t know.’_  He wouldn’t let that hurt Virgil.

 _“I was just looking for a new place to meditate.”_ he’s lies. Trying not to wince at how characteristically monotone he sounds.

Anxiety nods _“ Well, uh, Roman was looking for you..”_ He mumbles rubbing his neck shyly.

He had to hold back a choked cry. Remembering yet again when the royal was drained. Lacking any willpower… Any hope… Any dreams.

 _“Thank you. I will go find him after I finish my session. “_   Anxiety looks at him a tad puzzled. _“But didnt you just-”_

But he’s already slipped back into to the room. Sliding and leaning against the door.

Anxiety stays a moment before shaking his head and chuckling with a smirk. _“Nerd.”_

Logan’s sob is muffled as he bites his fist… Another repressed nickname he so dearly misses.

**_I don’t really care_ **

**_You can keep the things we used to share_ **

**_But what did you do with my heart?_ **

**_What did you do with my heart?_ **

* * *

_Finally when he had the energy to go back to his room.. he gingerlyremoved the slightly bloodied shirt. Fingers rubbing over his flesh as he began exsaming the ugly sore, pink jagged line. That stretched its way along his chest over his heart. He sigheds, haking his headand whispering under his breathe._

_“Emotional scarring.”  
_

_Before sliping on a thinner flannel shirt for sleeping in amd he sat numbly on his bed. Gazing at the wall. Fingers fiddling with a rubicks cube._   


* * *

Later that night Morality visits him, bringing him some food. He had thankfully changed shirts.   


They talk for awhile the logical one barely holding together throughout what could’ve been a pleasant conversation.

**_But the puns.._ **

**_The laugh._ **

**_The smile._ **

**_The small way his hand grazed over his._ **

**_Eye lingering on his lips._ **

**_Each one a small reminder…_ **

**_A new scar._ **

**_A new pain._ **

**_Of something that no longer was._ **

**_No longer could be._ **

**_He knew he never be the same._ **

Logan locked the door as soon as he was gone.  Curling into himself on the mattress. Clutching the first gift, a small nerdy bear, in his arms as he silently cried.

Pleading for the hurt to stop.

Wishing aloud how Patton could come in and hug him and pepper his face with kisses.

Begging for something he could not have.

**Love was cruel..**

**Love was fickle.**

**But you can’t have love without a heart.**

**And well.. now Logan didn’t.**


End file.
